I learned a new word this week!
Unrequited:
1. not returned or reciprocated: unrequited love.
2.not avenged or retaliated: an unrequited wrong.
3.not repaid or satisfied.
I’ve been thinking about forgiveness this Lenten season.
Forgiveness is a concept that can be both beautiful and brutal, depending on the context. On one hand, forgiveness offers a chance for healing, restoration, and new beginnings. On the other hand, it can be a painful and difficult process, especially when faced with hurtful or traumatic experiences.
As Christians, we’re called to forgive others just as God forgives us. But what does that really mean? How do we do it?
In the Bible, forgiveness is a recurring theme that showcases God’s merciful nature. From the Psalms to the Gospels, we’re reminded that forgiveness is a fundamental aspect of God’s character.
In Matthew 6:14-15, Jesus teaches us that our forgiveness from God is directly tied to our willingness to forgive others. This doesn’t mean that God’s forgiveness is conditional. Instead, our experience of His forgiveness is deepened when we extend forgiveness to others.
For many of us, forgiveness is a struggle. Forgiving is letting go of and accepting what has been. When we forgive, does it mean that we are saying what was done to us is okay? Does it mean that we are saying they are right and we are wrong?
I don’t think so.
One of the hardest things about forgiveness is that it often feels unrequited. Whatever was done that requires forgiveness often leaves us broken or empty, and sometimes those feelings weren’t validated. And perhaps still aren’t.
As much as our deepest desire is to sometimes retaliate for being hurt, that’s not what forgiveness is all about. Even when matters are resolved to the best of everyone’s abilities, the injured party may still feel unsatisfied. Unrequited.
Being wronged hurts. Speaking forgiveness is sometimes easy. However, truly feeling it is often hard.
It’s a feeling of deciding whether we’d rather be right or if we’d rather be happy. If we’d rather hold onto our righteous hurt, or if we’d rather extend grace. Let’s be honest, we’re human, it’s our impulse most of the time to hold on rather than leave ourselves unrequited.
I was given a whole new clarity about forgiveness when I came across this phrase:
Forgiveness is giving up the possibility of a better past.
It makes sense, doesn’t it? We hold onto things because they are unrequited. Because they hurt us. Because they never should have happened in the first place. Because we want to go back to the time before we were hurt and make it not happen. We want a better past.
But that’s not possible.
Life happened.
The possibility for a better past just doesn’t exist. But the possibility for a better future is available to each and every person who is still breathing.
We can let go of the hurt and the anger. We can release the need to once again say, “But I was right!” Each of us can decide that our future will be better. We have the opportunity to make our future better than our past. And we have the opportunity to give someone else the grace to know that, too, by extending forgiveness.
By doing as Christ has done for each of us over and over and over again.
Imagine if He looked as us and said, “But I was right,” instead of, “But you are Mine.”
Letting go of the possibility of a better past means that a better future is possible. However, it doesn’t always mean both people will choose that path. There are people in my life who I have forgiven, knowing the past cannot change. But some of those people choose to live out the same actions over and over. They have the possibility for a better future, but they are choosing not to take it.
I can forgive them without walking back into unhealthy situations. I can forgive them, and still choose not to play the game. I hope someday they will choose a better future, and I will cheer them on if they do. In the meantime, I care about them from a distance. I think, just like God does with us, we can stay where we are when they move away. And still be here when they choose to come back.
Saying I’ll forgive and forget isn’t practical, because I don’t think we can forget. I think forgiveness happens in us. It occurs when we do remember what had been done to us without feeling like we did when it happened. It becomes just a memory. It’s a past that can’t be changed for the better, followed by a future that can.
I’ve learned that leaving things unrequited can be a beautiful gift. It means they can be left where they belong so forgiveness can be given, received and cherished.
With love and joy,
Laura
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