Navigating Grief: Lessons in Love and Faith
My time as a single mom led me to the love and support of a new husband and stepfather for my children. A man who puts God first, prays with us daily, and opens our hearts and minds to understand, trust, and believe in God deeper than we knew possible.
The Lord is my light and my salvation, so why should I be afraid? The Lord is my fortress, protecting me from danger, so why should I tremble?
Psalm 27:1 (NIV)
On July 9, 2010, my world was torn again, this time between Heaven and Earth. It was the first time these two worlds felt so far apart. I was stuck in a dark place between the two worlds.
I received a phone call from my uncle who was in Minnesota with my parents and their siblings. A gathering they planned annually where they enjoyed each other, while boating, skiing, and just spending time together.
When I answered the phone, the voice on the other end said, “Laura, I never thought I would have to make this call. Your dad is lying on the bank of the lake with EMTs working on him. He was gone. Stung by a bee, went into anaphylactic shock and died.
I didn’t understand what I was hearing. How was I going to live without my first boyfriend? The man who was my best friend through all the difficulties I have faced in life. The man who was my father here on Earth. I was falling deeper into a place I had never been. A place I did not want to be.
I would wake at night screaming and gasping feeling as though I was falling off a cliff that had no end. I didn’t know how to do this life without my dad. I didn’t have enough time with him. How could he be done here? Why would God need him more than I did? Is there a key to opening this door? Death is so final.
I again had to intentionally seek God’s wisdom and guidance as I desperately tried to climb out of this dark hole. The door to light and beauty had been closed and locked. I needed God to help me find the key that unlocked that door.
What I found was Matthew 24:36, which says, “No one knows that day or hour, not the angels in Heaven or the Son, but only the Father.”
Dad’s death was never random to God. He knew the day Dad was born and the day he would die, and the same is true for you and me. What we have in between is an opportunity to be intentional, in living the life God has planned for us.
Throughout that year, the stress of Dad’s death took a toll on all of us, but in particular, my youngest sister, Sara. Sara was home bound from a disease called Ankylosing Spondylitis (AS) as well as an autoimmune disease, Leukopenia. She began having symptoms of the disease when she was 20 years old.
The disease had progressed through the years to the point for the last three years of her life, she was confined to the four walls of her home. Sara became allergic to the air outside. She was literally the girl in the bubble. This meant that she was not able to be physically present at Dad’s funeral. She had to watch from a computer screen as my mom, sister, three brothers, and myself, laid my dad to rest.
A year later, in September of 2011, Sara called and asked if I would come be with her. Don’t worry she said, but I need you to come. We learned that her body was beginning to shut down and she was in the dying process.
How many dark holes could there possibly be to fall into? Why can’t I get my two worlds to come together? Why did the door to beauty, joy, peace, and love continually close and lock? I didn’t want to be in this dark and scary place. It felt so permanent.
Much of Sara’s life did not turn out the way she anticipated and yet, at the age of 38 years old, Sara impacted thousands of people across the globe. Sara showed and taught us how it is possible to choose joy, even when life hurts. Sara was an example of being a disciple of Christ and it was her time to go home. To be pain free. To be with her Heavenly Father.
I stayed with her day and night trying to comfort her and respond to a global community of people that had grown to love her, wanting to say goodbye, and yet selfishly wanting her to myself. A beautiful experience that showed me the importance of being intentional in how we live our lives. The reality of our REAL purpose here on Earth.
After Sara’s death, I began experiencing something different. I had finally found the key to unlock the door to light, beauty, and peace, with the difference this time being that there is also a choice to not have the door close and lock at different seasons of life.
When I fully surrender my life to God, I am no longer torn between two worlds. It doesn’t mean I won’t face disappointment and pain, but I don’t have to lose the joy, peace, and love, that comes from Him.
I am the vine, you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me, you can do nothing.
John 15:5 (NIV)
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness,goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.Against such things there is no law.
Galatians 5:22-23
