Tag: Story

  • Torn Between Two Worlds, Part 2

    Torn Between Two Worlds, Part 2

    Finding Strength in Faith Through Divorce and Loss.

    I was working at my first job out of college, met a gentleman, fell in love, got married, and were blessed with two children. Sounds like a happily ever after story, doesn’t it?

    Unfortunately, I had four pregnancies and lost two children through miscarriage.

    Miscarriage, though often shrouded in silence and stigma, affects countless women and families. It leaves deep scars that seem impossible to heal. As a Christian woman, I was not immune to this pain. But, I do have the blessed assurance of a loving God who weeps with me and offers comfort in my darkest moments.

    Miscarriage is a painful and unexpected loss that left me feeling isolated and uncertain. The excitement and anticipation of welcoming a new life was suddenly replaced with grief, guilt, and unanswered questions.

    The first miscarriage was within the first trimester of the pregnancy. The second, was within the second trimester which made the process more difficult as I had to undergo a D&C procedure.

    Although I knew the baby was not alive, going through this procedure left me feeling like I had an abortion. The emotional turmoil was more than I could bear. I had fallen into a dark hole of guilt and sorrow. I wasn’t sure how to process the loss of a child that I never got to see or hold.

    One day, my mom and I stood together on the deck outside my home. We were engaged in a heartfelt conversation about my emotional turmoil. Her profound words struck a chord deep within me: ‘Everything God blesses us with in this life isn’t truly ours. They are God’s. Every gift, no matter how precious, is temporary. Our eternal home, our true haven, is with Him.

    ‘Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.
    James 1:17 (NIV)

    Isn’t that true? As Christians everything we have comes from God and is ultimately His. We are blessed with the opportunity to use and love all that God gives us for the time He allows.

    The loss of the two children were between the two children God allowed me to raise. When they were three and six my husband at that time, told me he needed some time away. He needed time to himself for a while. What did this mean?

    My world quickly began to feel like I was falling back into that dark unknown world again. What did he mean time away? Was I the issue? So many questions with no answers as to why.

    The “time away” went from weeks to months. Eventually it led to him telling me he wasn’t coming home. That I should do what I needed to do.

    Those words shook me to the core. This went against everything I believed in. I made a vow before God that I could no longer hold on to. Someone else was making that choice for me. That door that led to peace, love, and joy, was slammed shut and locked. As hard as I tried, I could not find the key to open the door.

    I fell back into the world of feeling insignificant and unloved. I couldn’t do anything to make him stay. What was I going to tell my children? Divorce was unacceptable. I worried about my family being disappointed in me and surely God was going to be disappointed and angry.

    Every time I closed my eyes, I would see colorful lights swirling continuously. I was thrown into a place I didn’t want to be. A place I was trying to fight with all my might.

    Just as Alice in Wonderland, my tears betrayed me and began spilling over. I was once again treading water. I was tired and yet had to be strong for my children. I didn’t want them to experience a torn world.

    I had to dig deep in my faith to understand what God wanted for me on this journey. I knew he didn’t condone divorce and I knew I couldn’t control the decision of my husband.

    God is so faithful! My husband chose not to make our marriage work, but God put in front of me friends and family who loved and guided my children and I through the journey. Friends who helped me see a God who loves me unconditionally. A God who will always carry me when I am tired and scared. They spoke life into me, making me stronger and more confident in myself and the Godly choices I had available to me.

    Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way 
    will fulfill the law of Christ.
    Galatians 6:2 (NIV)

    This journey took my faith and relationship with God to a deeper level. Trying to understand Godly choices in a worldly circumstance took intentional time with Him. It also forced me to be intentional in seeking out Christian counsel. Individuals who would assist me in moving forward. Encouraging me not to get stuck in a place of being a victim of circumstance. 

    I wanted to find the key that opened the door to that beautiful world of love, peace, and joy. In time, I did find joy, and love, being content in my new circumstances.

    I grew not only in my faith in God but also in myself. I found more confidence and strength in myself than I ever thought I had within me.

    God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore, we will not fear, though the earth give way
    and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though
    its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake
    with their surging.

    Psalm 46:1-3 (NIV)

    Amid the hurt and fear, God was always there loving and carrying me.

  • Torn Between Two Worlds

    Torn Between Two Worlds

    Part 1 – School Years

    Torn between two worlds, that is how I felt a good part of my life.

    I would liken it to the story of Alice in Wonderland. I’ll give you a quick overview for those of you who aren’t familiar with the story.

    The story is of a young girl who follows a scurrying rabbit down a rabbit hole. I don’t know about you, but I find myself scurrying a lot and it usually takes me down a rabbit trail, which most of the time is not good.

    When Alice falls into the hole she finds herself falling into a dark unknown place wondering if she will ever hit solid ground. Once on solid ground, she looks up only to see a long hallway lined with doors.

    Behind one door is a beautiful world. A world that she wants to enter, but the only way to enter is to find the key that will unlock the door.

    When Alice can’t find the correct key, she begins to cry. Her pool of tears become a sea of water and she begins treading water to stay afloat.

    Alice meets various individuals along her journey. Some individuals give her advice, some tell her what to do, and some even try to deceive her. There are times throughout Alice’s journey when she is small and feels insignificant. There are other times when Alice is very tall and she feels bigger than the world she is living in.

    Does this story resonate with you? Have you ever felt torn between two worlds, similar to Alice in Wonderland?

    I first felt torn between two worlds as a young child, through grade school, middle school, and into high school. I was one of those kids outcasted and just didn’t fit in. I was too tall in grade school and towered over everyone my age. Believe me, boys did not like it when a girl was taller than they were! In middle and high school, I chose not to follow the crowd to stay true to my Christian beliefs. It was during those times, that I was tossed aside and like Alice in Wonderland, I felt small and insignificant. 

    I was tired of treading the water created from years of crying so many tears. Tired of having people with various opinions telling me what to do and who I should be.

    My family was my safe place. They loved me unconditionally and taught me to find strength in Christ, not people. Although they were my safe place, there were times when I felt like I was disappointing them as well. My parents wanted me to have friends and be social. The pressure grew as I faced the choice of friendship and a social life; or standing for what I believed in.

    Having both did not seem to exist in my world. It wasn’t an option. I faced choices to open many different doors, just like Alice, but I couldn’t find the key to the door that led to beauty, peace, love, and joy on the other side.

    I was nervous about going off to college. I was afraid I would experience more of the same and if I did, I would really be alone. My family would not be there with me. I questioned whether I should choose to unlock the door to college, but I did and am so grateful.

    My college years were nothing like my high school. I met people who liked me for who I was. Who God created me to be. My world opened up to a community of people that didn’t toss me aside. They lifted me up, didn’t judge me, and accepted me. I became more confident and no longer felt so small and insignificant.

    Although I was blessed with a family who grounded me in my faith, in college I had the opportunity to discover my own relationship with God at a deeper level. Instead of being embarrassed about my faith, I openly shared and lived out my faith. I felt like, for the first time, I found the key that unlocked the door. The door that would lead me to that beautiful world where I belonged and was loved.

    Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing, and perfect will.Romans 12:2 (NIV)